Smoking weed, drinking cocktails, and laughing with celebrities seemed like an ideal career path to me. Chelsea was living my dream. She was blonde, rich, sexy, confident, and hilarious. Most of her success came from writing about her boobs, dogs, and vodka sponsored adventures. I admired people like her and hoped to be one someday.
After studying her show’s credits, I friended the cast and crew members on social media. Somehow I managed to weasel my way into a few interviews. Then E! offered me an internship at Chelsea Lately!
Chelsea and I were going to be best friends, I could feel it. Blunts on the beach, standup shows, photoshoots, ski trips, the works.
I sent a follow up email to the producers to thank them for the opportunity and ask them a few basic questions. They responded saying there was a mix up, because the show couldn’t bring on any more interns at that time. I was crushed. Especially since I had already bragged about it to all my friends on social media.
A few months went by and I reached out again, this time to Maggie, one of Chelsea’s assistants. After some DMs back and forth, Maggie hired me as her personal production intern. I was beyond stoked to be Chelsea’s assistant’s assistant’s assistant! It didn’t even bother me that it was an unpaid gig. It was my foot in the door to Hollywood!
I couldn’t believe how Chelsea the Chelsea Lately offices were. Chelsea’s name and face were plastered all over everything! It was Chelsea Chelsea this and Chelsea Chelsea that. Bras were hanging from the ceilings and there were pictures of her tits and ass decorating the walls.
If you want to be a star you essentially have to be a narcissistic egomaniac. You have to believe you’re the shit in order to convince others that you’re worthy of the spotlight. Not like I should judge, I’m a total attention whore.
Chelsea met Maggie way before she got famous. The two of them became friends while working at a comedy club, back when Chelsea was touring on the road. Chelsea later met a rich man with major connections. He helped move Maggie out to Santa Monica to work as Chelsea’s personal assistant towards the beginning of her career.
It took me a really long time to figure out that I was Maggie’s secret illegal intern. She told me to stay downstairs away from the rest of the cast and crew. My office was a closet that was decorated to look like a dungeon. Maggie even put a sign on the door that read “intern dungeon.” It was way too far away from the vodka water cooler and breakfast buffet.
Cameras add weight, so the female comedians taught me all sorts of diet tricks, like how to scoop all the bread out of a bagel before toasting it. My dungeon was next to the stage and guest dressing rooms, so I saw movie stars and pop stars more than my actual coworkers.
Reese Witherspoon was one of the first celebrities I met in real life. She was so kind, funny, and itty bitty. Her face was glowing and her positive energy changed the vibes of the whole fucking building. I really wanted to tell Reese about my Legally Blonde themed thirteenth birthday party, but Chelsea made me nervous, so I hid in the corner instead.
Maggie told me that some of the male comedians got upset when they heard that I got the original internship offer. They didn’t want some random dumb blonde Orange County girl working there. I looked like I “might break a nail.” My heels, push up bra, and platinum blonde extensions weren’t helping.
The crew wanted a strong man who could get shit done, which was why they revoked their previous offer. I couldn’t believe how much sexist bullshit was going on behind the scenes of a show hosted by powerful women.
In hindsight, I might have dressed inappropriately for the interview. I looked like I wanted to be on the show, not work on the show. I was all dolled up, ready to take the stage!
The male intern they chose instead of me came from major family money. He bounced around the office on a yoga ball while drinking margaritas with the comedians. He lived in a mansion in the hills while I couch surfed around town. I loved him, but hated the fact that I was doing all the work, while he
got all the credit and screen time!
My coworkers bragged about their wild drunken drug fueled adventures while I suffered from major fomo. I was excluded from all the big company parties and vacations, because I was an underaged secret employee.
Chelsea and I were never formally introduced, even though I worked for her for years. At times I would be in her home or office doing my job and feared she might catch me working.
Maggie had two rules: #1 Don’t bother or talk to Chelsea. #2 Never ask a celebrity for a photo or an autograph. “Remember, you want to be a friend, not a fan!”
Chelsea was a blur. Sometimes I would see her quickly passing through the hallways between shows, flights, photoshoots, or pilates lessons. She had a reputation for being a total fucking bitch, but seemed like a really kind and generous person. Chelsea worked her ass off and funded multiple people's lives. She played pranks on friends and family members, but rewarded them later with things like bikes, cars, and vacations… which sounded like a pretty fair trade to me.
Every once in a while Chelsea would stop and look at me. She was probably wondering “WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?” I would quietly stare back at her like a deer in the headlights before bolting. Her confidence scared the shit out of me.
Chelsea’s life was abundantly filled with money and success, but I couldn't help but wonder, was it all worth it? Did she ever get a break? Would she ever get a chance to relax and enjoy everything she earned?
There was something appealing about that kind of lifestyle, even though it looked fucking exhausting. She was constantly creating and helping others. I admired her extreme level of ambition and ability to put herself out there.
Chelsea spoke to psychics for years. She didn’t talk about her magical beliefs publicly, but I desperately wanted to know more about them. Maggie told me that a famous LA psychic helped lead Chelsea towards her abundant destiny.
The power of fame and having a platform is undeniable.
Chelsea adopted her dog from a kill shelter, which inspired people to save older dogs, instead of buying puppies. Many people sent pictures of their beloved pets to the show to thank Chelsea for influencing them to adopt animals in need.
Taking Chunk outside for his morning shit was my duty. He seemed to time out his dumps perfectly. I was often picking up dog poop on the side of the road while celebrity guests arrived. We even made it into a few paparazzi shots!
Chunk had a snobby elitist attitude. He knew he was more rich and famous than me. He sure won the dog lottery by getting adopted by Chelsea. Shit, I wanted her to adopt me too!
One time the crew members filled my car with bottles of vodka for me to deliver to Chelsea’s friends for the holidays. No one seemed to care that I was an underaged teenager.
It was wild seeing so many famous faces and families in real life. Most of them had butlers or servants answer their doors. Some of the celebrities invited me into their mansions to hang out, eat, or chat. Everyone assumed that I knew Chelsea personally, which made me cool by association.
Jay Leno was eating a giant turkey leg when I walked into his office. When I handed him a bottle of vodka from Chelsea he said “LET’S TAKE A SHOT!” I was so scared of getting caught underaged drinking and driving with all that liquor in my car, so I yelled “HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!” while waving and running away from him.
One night I delivered a bottle of vodka to one of Chelsea’s friends in Malibu. She invited me to stay for Christmas cookies and snacks. She gave me a tour of her beachfront mansion while sharing stories about her fun times with Chelsea back in the day.
People always wanted me to say something to Chelsea for them. I agreed, but never relayed their messages. They asked me so many questions about her and I would make up answers that seemed fit. Is she nice? Sure. How is she doing? Great. Is she a bitch? Totally.
Chelsea had no problem with co-workers dating one another. Where else would people meet if they were working all the time? There were lots of overlapping office romance dramas. Everyone gossiped about who was fucking who. It was hard to know what rumors were true, because the comedians lied and pranked each other all the time.
One of the crew members went through a break up with Chelsea’s best friend and then dated Chelsea’s assistant. Then a comedian that Chelsea had a crush on dated her other assistant. He ended up dumping her and dated Chelsea later on. That relationship gave them tons of fame and attention. They gave off endgame vibes, but it didn’t last long. His comedy career took off thanks to Chelsea, but I’m sure he wanted to be single for his little fifteen minute movie star moment.
People sent Chelsea free stuff all the time. There’s so much power in being an influential trendsetter. Since Chelsea didn’t want most of those things the rest of us got to keep them. I basically got paid in extra small Juicy Couture sweatsuits and gigantic bottles of Belvedere Vodka.
Maggie and I loved getting wasted off all the free vodka from Chelsea’s endorsement deals. We would go out to clubs looking bomb as fuck, but wear fake hillbilly teeth. Guys would hit on us, we would flash them a smile, and watch them react. Most got flustered, spilt their drinks, and ran away. It didn’t matter if other people found us funny, because we thought that we were fucking hilarious.
One night, we got some fast food, after some bunts and cocktails. We saw a poor, sad man sitting on a bench. Maggie always wanted to help people, so we bought him some Taco Bell. When we gave him a burrito he threw it on the ground, leaped into a fancy sports car, and zoomed off while flipping us off. We thought that he was homeless, but he was just a hipster. Whoopsies.
Chelsea drank regularly, but never drove drunk. She always had a designated driver give her a ride home. I helped her assistants get her vehicles back to her house after many drunken nights out.
I ended up living with Kara, who was Chelsea’s main assistant. One night Chelsea got drunk and Ubered home so we had to get her car back to her house. Kara accidentally scratched Chelsea’s Bentley that night while driving and was scared to tell her what happened. Chelsea didn’t even care. It was no big deal to her. She was beyond understanding and had plenty of money to fix it.
Kara got married young back in Oklahoma. She moved to LA to pursue her Hollywood dreams. Her husband and dog came too, but they weren’t built for that scene, so things didn’t work out. After their divorce Kara started dating one of our coworkers. The three of us lived off of tacos, Marlboro Lights, and Modeleos in West Hollywood for a few years. Now they’re real grown ups, married with a baby!
One year Kara got to spend Thanksgiving with Chelsea Handler and Jennifer Anniston. Our apartment was covered in Friends memorabilia and pictures of Jennifer Anniston. I wondered if either of them knew that Kara was a Friends superfan. Kara is pretty quiet, shy, and introverted compared to them. She was probably fanning the fuck out on the inside while trying to play it cool.
Maggie lived in a lavish modern loft near the beach, dated hot celebrities, and only wore designer clothes. I drove her to most of her plastic surgery appointments. Her surgeon, Dr. Dubrow, was famous for appearing on reality shows. His work was incredible! I loved watching his surgical process in real life. I took care of Maggie at a fancy resort in Newport post rhinoplasty. She recovered inside while I drank poolside. Maggie ordered us everything off of the room service menu, which was Chelsea’s routine during standup tours.
Chelsea had a little nugget sidekick named Chuy on the show. Most of the jokes about him involved his height, weight, or race. He loved it, but there’s no way that shit would fly today. Chuy gave so many hot young girls tours of the stage and office. We wondered if they were bunnies or strippers. I didn’t get many lines on the show, but they had him check me out in a few scenes.
The stylists didn’t think I was skinny enough to play sexy roles. They layered me up in corsets and shapewear to help make me look more attractive. In one episode Chuy stared at my tits during a yoga scene. For some reason I was really proud to play the office slut for free.
One day the wardrobe department forgot to put a dress in Chelsea’s car before a big event. I raced over to her mansion, parked outside the gate, ran up the hill, and delivered the gown to her house manager. Somehow I ended up getting locked inside of her property. Nobody answered the door and her assistants never responded to my calls or texts. I wanted to climb over the gate to get out, but I worried I might break it, or it might impale me, so I just nervously waited around her yard. I was scared Chelsea might call the cops and report me as a trespasser. What if I got arrested for doing my job? What if the security footage ended up on the show? Chelsea was too busy to know what was going on. Chunk judged me through the window. He wanted to be outside while I wanted to be inside. Somebody must have eventually seen me, because the gates randomly opened, and I managed to escape.
When I first started working there I was so young, innocent, and naive. I remember the comedians talking about how they wanted to get an eight ball for the holiday party. I thought they wanted one of those plastic magic eight ball toys to answer random questions. Luckily my queer friends in WEHO cleared up that confusion real fast, before I made a complete fool out of myself in front of the comedians. They all lowkey scared the shit out of me.
The world was a different place back then. Comedy was funny. People made jokes and didn’t care about offending other people. In a way, that was kind of the point. Being able to laugh at ourselves and others helped make life more bearable. There were no real rules back then, which was why we had so much fun. People got way more sensitive over the years, including me.
It was wild to see Jim Carrey shamelessly rawdog his ADHD vibes at Chelsea Lately. I’ve always appreciated artists who embrace authenticity despite all the societal pressures to be basic.
I’ve always loved Jim Carrey. He’s a real renaissance artist. Actor, painter, dancer, writer, chameleon extraordinaire! His work can be so funny, yet dark. All the dramatic highs and lows speak to me. I usually enjoy hearing his perspectives on art, religion, politics, and spirituality.
Everything Jim Carrey did should’ve been cringe, but it was so fucking hot. Confidence plus humor equals sexy. Guess you could say he has a certain je ne sais quoi! Just ignore my daddy issues and go with it.
Justin Bieber came on Chelsea Lately towards the beginning of his career. He kept trying to flirt with Chelsea during their interview. Since Justin was just a teenager it upset Chelsea. She probably felt like he was framing her to look like a creepy ass pedophile. I thought it was kinda funny. Little did Chelsea know that an unpaid teenager was in the next room over drinking all of her vodka.
Maybe Chelsea did know about me. Maybe she knew what was going on the whole time? Maybe she just looked the other direction? Maggie would always say things like “Chelsea is so proud of you!” and I’d think “Chelsea doesn’t even know that I fucking exist!” The whole thing was such a mind fuck.
I know I sound like such a hater when I talk about this internship, but it was lowkey the highlight of my life. Chelsea Lately was such a fun show to work on. I can’t believe that I was coworkers with hilarious talented people like Chelsea Handler, Jo Koy, Heather McDonald, Chris Franjola, Sarah Colonna, Ross Mathews, Michael Yo, Natasha Leggero, Brad Wollack, Fortune Feimster, Whitney Cummings, Chuy Bravo, and more.
The constant stream of vodka mixed with endless drugs, pranks, and celebrities made it a unique and memorable work environment to say the least. I can’t believe the shit we got away with. It doesn’t even feel real. Sometimes I wonder if it was all just a dream.
By the way, when Chelsea got mad at Justin Bieber for hitting on her I thought that she couldn’t take a joke and that she was being too dramatic. Now that all the Diddy White Party Freak Off stories have come out, I know that Chelsea made the right decision. Justin had way too many adults taking advantage of him emotionally, morally, sexually, and financially. So many tv hosts and celebrities were inappropriately hitting on him publicly when he was just a little boy. My heart breaks thinking about what he’s been through. Back in the day I really wanted to go to a Diddy White Party, I had the worst FOMO ever, but now I’m glad that I wasn’t invited.
I was an intern, a coffee barista, and a college student all at the same time. It was a bit much, especially considering how much I was partying.
One time when I was working at the register at Starbucks a lady asked me if she could use the restroom. When I told her that we didn’t have a bathroom she screamed, pulled down her pants, and took a massive shit on the floor. The intense rage and eye contact seemed unnecessary. I ran to the back of the store, told the manager what happened, and announced that I wouldn’t be cleaning it up. His eyes rolled into the back of his skull while he let out a long audible exhale. He took care of the mess and quit that job shortly after.
Most of my barista coworkers were stoned surfers, who taught me all about sex and drugs. It was the education I needed. Their wisdom made me seem like less of a fucking loser around the comedians. We often closed the coffee shop early to hotbox the place and eat all the pastries. Starbucks didn’t have any security cameras back then, so nobody gave a fuck about anything.
One day while I was working, a mentally ill homeless man asked me a series of questions about bus routes that I was unable to answer. He yelled at me for being a selfish bitch and threw someone's innocent latte on the ground. Whatever I said must have deeply upset him. After that he started stalking me around town, which was fucking terrifying. He came back to the shop a few days later, to show off his collection of knives that were lining the inside of his jacket. Then he gave my coworkers a “present” for me. It was a rusty old penny, in hopes that I would “shove it up my asshole and die a horrible blood curdling painful death.” The new manager told me to never come back to that Starbucks again.
The company transferred me to a different location, which was stalker free, and way less chaotic. Some might say I was the crazy one there, instead of the customers. On my last day I wore hillbilly teeth to work and most people thought they were real. My coworkers loved it, they put me on register. Only men shared their verbal opinions about my appearance. One dude was such an asshole, he ranted about surgical options, while his girlfriend elbowed him to shut up. Another guy got startled and spilt hot coffee all over himself. One guy commented that I could potentially be attractive if I fixed my teeth. My social experiment proved how shallow people can be, especially in California.
The Chelsea Lately comedians were proud of me for pranking strangers. It felt like I was finally part of the crew. We even kept that stupid joke going by doing a sexy photoshoot with fake hillbilly teeth.
Around that same time Maggie got really into Agape, an LA Christian based religion focused around love and positivity. She acted ecstatically happy all the time and got rid of all of her belongings.
Maggie confidently believed in manifestation, positive thinking, and the law of attraction. We expected our lives to be filled with fame and fortune. She started posting about her beliefs around the same time the network changed filming locations. It didn’t look good for the show. Some might say it wasn’t “on brand.”
The show cut her from production, so we both had to find new jobs. Luckily Maggie always knew how to look on the brightside. She dreamed of being a famous rapper and finally had time to pursue that goal.
Working in the entertainment industry taught me way more than school did. Colleges were ripping off young people, by charging them tons of money to learn about outdated technology. There was no need to learn about media from old people, old equipment, or old textbooks.
Going into debt over a piece of paper, just to impress some old squares, never made sense to me. College parties sucked compared to stand up shows, red carpet events, and Playboy mansion parties.
My family totally freaked out when I told them that I dropped out of school to pursue show business. Chelsea never went to college and she was fine! Somehow I’d learn how to survive.
Going to an elite school could get me into rooms or parties with the right people, but so could show business! I could make impressive connections while working in Hollywood, without having to go into massive amounts of debt. That route sounded way more fun, exciting, and lucrative.
I knew that my curiosity and adventures would continue to expand my mind. I could always keep learning new things from experiences, travels, books, stories, shows, etc. There's always much more room for improvement.
Ho hired me to be his assistant. He was a comedian on Chelsea Lately for years. It was awkward working as a personal bitch for someone who didn’t trust me. Ho would ask me my opinion on things, but do the exact opposite every time. I tried to talk him out of so many bad wardrobe choices. Chelsea always roasted him for being a fame whore with terrible outfits. He obviously enjoyed being bullied by her. Ho always worried that I didn’t find him funny. I went to most of his standup comedy shows and he would get upset if I didn’t laugh out loud during his routines.
I heard his jokes repeated so many times. If you want to hold an audience, keep things new and fresh! He had a good bit about his mom, who’s name is Kum Ho. I guess it was more of a fun fact than a joke, but it was still funny.
Whenever Theo Von performed I nearly died laughing. I’d be crying while suffocating in response to his jokes. One time he performed in Irvine and I was the only person in the audience laughing out loud. I slid into his DMs after the show and said “Rough crowd, but I think you’re funny!” He said “Yeah, Irvine is full of tight asses.” As someone who’s from Orange County, I couldn't agree more! We exchanged numbers, but never spoke, or saw each other again after that. I’m sure we both have different phone numbers now, but I still have him saved in my contacts. Ho was funny too, but his sense of humor was a little too tame for my taste. Nikki Glaser slut shaming herself while roasting the fuck out of celebrity strangers was way more my speed.
My favorite work days were when I got to assist Ho at E! News. I idolized hosts like Joan Rivers and Chelsea Handler, so I couldn’t believe I was working with or around them. Maybe someday I could be a confident funny blonde bitch on tv too!
Whenever I was in the same rooms as Joan Rivers and Chelsea Handler I felt completely invisible. Even though I was right there next to them, it was like watching them on TV or behind glass at a zoo. Whenever I walked by the Fashion Police in the hallways at E!, Kelly Osbourne was the only host that looked me in the eyes, said hello, and asked me how I was doing. It was nice to have a celebrity simply acknowledge my existence.
Ho didn’t trust any of his employees. One time he had me stay at his place to watch over his maids, because he was afraid they might steal something. His apartment was extremely modern and minimalistic. There was nothing for them to take even if they wanted to. Towards the end of their shift, I ran downstairs to put some money in my parking meter. While I was outside, a fire started in his building, and I got locked out. His maids were gone by the time I got back inside. Ho fired me after the fire.
Years passed by while I watched Maggie post some questionable pictures online. They concerned me, then inspired me to reach out. I relentlessly questioned her until she confessed that she was living on the streets.
When I got Maggie to meet up with me her skin was so sunburnt and her clothes were falling apart. It was wild to watch someone fall so far that fast. Her life looked like a dream turned into a nightmare.
She was still so positive, despite losing everything. Maggie believed that experience was the street cred she needed to fulfill her dream of becoming a famous rapper.
Maggie told me stories about the different homeless clicks and how they would perform or compete in the streets. They had dance and rap battles on Santa Monica Beach and Skid Row. Maggie’s struggles made her strong and fearless. She hit rock bottom, survived, and felt completely invincible.
Homeless people in LA are usually pretty talented. They moved there with big dreams, but never accomplished their goals. There are actually really hot homeless people all over that city. Most of them can’t hold a home or a job long term due to addictions and mental illnesses.
Maggie apologized to me for making me work as her secret illegal intern. She confessed that she collected all the paychecks for all the hard work that I completed at Chelsea Lately. On some level I kinda already knew the truth. Luckily that experience led me towards other opportunities. In a way she helped me more than she hurt me. We agreed to laugh it off and put our past mistakes behind us. I considered her my best friend, before I knew that she was taking advantage of me. It’s smart to forgive, but dumb to forget!
Maggie was too embarrassed to ask for help, but that didn’t stop me from reaching out to Chelsea’s other assistants. I was concerned for her safety.
Chelsea gave Maggie money for clothes, doctors appointments, and a ticket back to her home state. There’s nothing wrong with being rich. The more money you have the more you’re able to help others!
The last time I saw Maggie was when I drove her to the train station. I told her that LA fucking sucks. It isn’t worth all the pain and suffering. Maybe at a certain point it’s best to let go of some dreams and move on. It was time for her to go somewhere nicer, better, calmer, fresher, and easier.
I should have listened to my own advice. Little did I know that I was about to face my own series of borderline amazing rock bottom moments as well.
Everyone has problems, no matter what their lives look like on the outside.
Our biggest fuck ups are our best stories.
Let’s laugh and learn from them together.